With that line to start my day, I figured another round of work stories was in order.
It's cases like this that let me hold onto the belief that, even if technology can't solve all of our problems, it really does try. Nowadays you can type your problems into the Google search box, and there will probably be a product to fix it. And if your type that your problem is, "I'm stoned to the bejesus, and I have a drug test in an hour," you will get this little guy in your search results:
No...this isn't an image of a transvestite starter kit. It's a Whizzinator. A prosthetic pecker. A phoney phallus. Now the one pictured above is kind of the MacGyver version of the current model (I didn't want to search for pictures of it for too long...it made me feel dirty). But essentially the Whizzinator is a kit designed to help the sober-impaired among us to pass a drug test. The kit comes with a tube full of clean pee, a mechanism for keeping it at body temp, and a strap-on "unit". The tube goes in the pecker, and the pecker straps around your business. Then, assuming your P.O. isn't all that familiar with the particulars of your Johnny Rocket, when you whip it out he will be none the wiser.
In theory this sort of tactic should work just fine. A P.O. isn't going to take a long hard look during your drug test. He's going to make sure you aren't pouring a bottle of apple juice into the kit, and that's about it. So we don't see many probation violations involving these devices.
In fact, I've only seen a probation violation involving the Whizzinator once. We caught him because he borrowed his friend's Whizzinator for the test. And as I found out, the Whizzinator comes in a variety of colors and styles. This particular white male defendant had a black friend. Let's just say, the carpet didn't match the drapes.
As Lindsey Lohan clearly proves, if a criminal is going to use drugs and/or alcohol, they are going to use drugs and/or alcohol. And despite technology's best efforts, we in the law enforcement community can't always catch them.
We thought we finally had a winner with the SCRAM bracelet though.
This thing has a trans-dermal alcohol sensor, so it can actually sense if you've been drinking by taking readings through your leg. Any alcohol use will trigger an alarm, and the cops will come running. It also has is a GPS unit, so that you can locate a criminal anywhere in the world in real-time. It has a perimeter feature, so that you can confine a criminal to a set perimeter. And it even tells you if the unit is being tampered with. It's kind of like the law enforcement version of The Sims video game.
On paper, this thing is awesome. And I thought it was infallible. Until one day when one of our local probation officers went to check on our local Lindsey Lohan. The P.O. was concerned because the GPS reported that the defendant hadn't left his home in several days. He and a police officer went to go check up on the offender.
When he got to the door and knocked, there was no response. So he had the cop kick in the door. There sat the SCRAM bracelet on the defendant's kitchen table. And what was attached to the bracelet?
Ham. That's right....ham. The defendant had shoved a whole pack of Oscar Mayer into the leg loop of the bracelet. And he must have bought out the whole deli aisle in the grocery store, because all over the apartment were open packages of ham. The apartment smelled like the dumpster across from Jimmy John's. The defendant was passed out in the corner of the living room, drunk as a skunk.
I learned a lot of things from that story. For example, I learned that deli meat may have many of the same properties as the human leg. Either that, or this guy was such a drunk that he was practically pickled.
Remember these stories as you get ready for your weekend. If they don't make for good bar fare, at least you'll know how to get out of your drug and alcohol testing if you get arrested. Stay safe and good luck!