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Friday, December 16, 2011

The Dear Defendant Diaries 2011

What's up with this post you ask?  Last year I posted the best of my work-related posts on the blog in a post called "The Dear Defendant Diaries" (here's a link).  It was so popular that folks have been asking me to do it again this year.  So here they are folks...my Top 30 status updates about work.  I added a few posts from real life to round out the list.  They are in order from January to December 2011.  Enjoy!

1. DWI police reports are usually pretty dull.  But if you look hard enough you can find a few gems.  Like this one: "<redacted> was issued a Notice and Order for Revocation that he refused to sign, but rather drew a middle finger in the "fuck you" position".

2. Dear Defendants (yes plural, I saw two of you today doing this), I'm not sure if it matters, but just to be safe, it's probably not a good idea to attend your felony DWI sentencing wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt with a giant martini glass on the back.

3. Axel's for dinner and a relaxing evening at home.  Just me, the wife, and a bottle of wine.  I'm not sure what she'll be drinking.

4. Dear Defendant, if you call the police to report that the police keep coming to your door to harass you, I'm not sure you're going to get the help you're looking for...

5. Dear Defendant, requesting to get out of jail because you have "a ton of baby mommas to take care of" is not an effective bail argument.  You made it worse when you said, "there's one of the bitches now!"

6. Good thing that trial settled.  My star witness was a 6'2" tranny named "Terry".

7. Defendant came to court wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.  I'm glad someone finally recognizes the district court's official dress code: semi-formal casual.

8. Quote in court today: "Yeah, my girlfriend and I have been thinking about getting a land line so that I can do house arrest."  While I admire his efforts at future planning, I think he's missing the bigger picture.

9. A drunk driver was arrested after leaving, then returning to a gas station.  When asked why she returned to the gas station, she replied, "I forgot my condoms."  I'm glad she practices "safety first" in at least one aspect of life.

10. I've been really cranky lately.  Lack of high mileage running, or am I just an asshole?  Or both?  Discuss!

11. Dear Defendant, I'm not sure when an appropriate time would be to wear your "fuck haters" shirt.  But it's probably not good to wear to court.  May I suggest you wear it to your upcoming appearance on "Maury"?

12. Dear defense attorney, please do not take offense to the fact that I found it uncomfortable when you referred to the ignition interlock device as "the old blow and go".  It's not you...it's your ineloquent turn of phrase.

13. "Let's watch mom sit on the bench!" -my daughter (3) when I told her we were going to my wife's softball game.

14. You think the Honey Badger cares about the royal wedding?  He doesn't give a shit!

15. Got pulled over this morning.  The officer was not impressed with my argument that since I represent the State, it would be a conflict of interest for me to be a defendant.  Thus...I have a warning for running a red light.

16. Dear defense attorney, if you need a continuance for a medical reason, and that medical reason is irritable bowel syndrome, please make up a different medical reason for your continuance.  Less is more people...

17. A judge gave me a cookbook as an early birthday present that he thought I would like.  It was "The Barefoot Contessa".  Everyone's a comedian...

18. Jason Robillard finishes the Western States 100 miler in less than 24 hours!  I expect him to grab his belt buckle at inappropriate times, shake it, and yell, "All I do is win bitches!"

19. Dear defendant, while I admire your attempts at organization by creating a "To-Do List", I suggest that you leave off the task, "Steal phones like the ones I got from Walmart".

20. Dear defendant, your canary yellow pimp suit has reminded me that today is "Steve Harvey Appreciation Day".  I shall be sure to mark it on my calendar for next year.

21. Dearest friends, it is with joyous fist pumps that I dedicate my first Jersey Shore related status update of the year to you.  OH YEAH!  ITALY YEAH!

22. Great Tosh.O quote: "The stock market is like Tiger Woods.  Signs of former brillance, but unless they are secretly fucking people I don't want to watch."

23. Dear paleo gods, I'm going to the state fair.  You might want to look away for the whole day...

24. Dear defendant, I'm not sure why you decided to attend court today carrying what appeared to be a wizard's staff.  Dressing like a Harry Potter character does not reduce your sentence.

25. I thought I had seen everything as a criminal prosecutor.  I was wrong.  I hadn't seen Zubaz with flames on them.  I stand corrected.

26. Random useless criminal law fact of the day: for the purposes of determining your gender, the jail only considers your body from the waist down.  You're welcome.  Carry on...

27. You know you work in the country when you overhear someone say that they dressed up to court by putting on a shirt with sleeves on it.  Puttin' on some sleeves for court!

28. Neighbor out shoveling snow: "Are you walking your dogs barefoot in the snow?"  Me: "Hi, I'm your weird neighbor.  It appears we haven't met."

29. *radio announcer in best Hulk Hogan voice* "OH YEAH!  If you're looking for the best in midget wrestling look no further."  Alright...you have my attention.  Tell me more!

30. Again my obscure knowledge of criminal law saves the day.  Dude who parked his truck on some railroad tracks in order to protest paying taxes in a kind of "Occupy Hickville" gets a citation for Misdemeanor Placing Object on Railroad Tracks.  I knew it off the top of my head.  Welcome to Nerdville.  Population: Me.

Enjoy your Friday citizens!  Cheers!


  1. I think I could match your job with my previous job but I'm too lazy to write a post about it. Just a few from a former high school teacher: kid picking his nose then eating it in class (kid was 17), kid took a videocamera home and taped himself masturbating but didn't delete said video and the mom who asked if her kid could please make a poster instead of taking the test.

    And yes, Jason does that more than a few times :)

  2. This gave me the giggles. I really LOL'd.

  3. I'm not sure why you decided to attend court today carrying what appeared to be a wizard's staff. Dressing like a Harry Potter character does not reduce your sentence. save 50% buying generic drugs

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