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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Maple Grove Competitive Eater Guy?

I too never eat a big meal without my helmet.

Citizens, just because I'm somewhat of a health and fitness nut doesn't mean I don't have my vices. I think that doughnuts are the world's most perfect food (still looking for a good paleo doughnut recipe so that I can survive entirely on baked goods). I can't go a week without watching some kind of trashy reality TV (usually The Bachelor or it's sausage-fest sister show The Bachelorette). And although I usually watch what and how much I eat, when I want to I have the appetite of a small town.

Throughout my life I've always been known as the big eater. I've been known to go to a restaurant for a big meal, finish off the leftovers on everyone elses' plate, and have a snack when we get home. I've been kicked out of a Chinese buffet, because "All You Can Eat" apparently does not apply to me (you no come here no more! you bad for business!).

Those of you who are regular weight lifters are familiar with this kind of appetite. Anyone who is trying to grow muscle mass knows that your body practically starts eating itself in order to get enough calories. Combine that with my penchant for intermittent fasting and consuming all of my calories in one sitting, and you have the perfect environment for consuming the obscene amounts of food you usually see in those ridiculous food challenges at various restaurants.

I have a lot of goals for 2012, and most actually don't have to do with running. One of them is to finish one of these ridiculous food challenges. I haven't decided which one yet. So far I've just been working my way up...starting small. Here's where I decided to start practicing.

I don't just like big food. I also like spicy food. I used to eat habenero peppers like candy. I also think that chicken wings are like little poultry lollipops. So the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin Challenge seemed like a great place to start my disgusting food journey. The contest seemed completely do-able. 12 Blazin Wings in 6 minutes.

I finished in three. I didn't even cry all that much with the heat.

So I upped the ante. I made up a new challenge called the Non-Sallypants Blazin Challenge. 18 Blazin Wings in 10 minutes. I finished in 9 minutes. Then I created the This is Getting Ridiculous Blazin Challenge. 24 Blazin Wings in 15 minutes. I finished in 13 minutes. That one was rough...for the whole weekend if you know what I mean. Don't expect a 36 wing challenge anytime soon.

SIDE NOTE: Some of my fans have asked me the best way to complete the Blazin Challenge. Here are my biggest tips. One: do not drink anything, it just makes it worse. Two: go fast...stopping makes it worse. Three: use ranch/bleu cheese...or you'll make it worse. Four: don't work your way up to the Blazin wings with like 6 Blazin and 6 Captain Caribbean Mango Jerk (or whatever pansies eat at BW's). Harden the fuck up and do the full boat. It only hurts for a few minutes. Your pride will hurt for far longer if you wuss out.

Okay fine...so I can eat the wings off of an entire chicken coop. How about something that wins me a t-shirt or something? My next stop on my quest toward total food domination is a restaurant I used to haunt in college....The Flameburger. Home of the Double Mega Flame.

We used to come by this place and knock out the one pound burger like it was a snack. I've been wanting to try the two pounder for years. It's not the biggest burger as far as food competitions go, but more cow than I've ever consumed in one sitting.

Will MGBG emerge victorious? Will I get the meat sweats? Tune in to find out!


  1. You ask if you will get the meat sweats as if it's a bad thing. Good luck on your massive-quantities-of-food-in-one-sitting journey!

  2. So if you ever happen to randomly come through Raleigh, NC during the beginning of February, you should definitely do the Krispy Kreme Challenge. It's run 2.5 miles, eat a dozen Krispy Kreme Glaze Doughnuts, and run 2.5 miles back in an hour. I did it two weekends ago. It was fun.

    here's the website:

  3. Hey Christian,

    First, if you make it down to Atlanta sometime soon I'll cheat on being paleo and take the Big Pie in the Sky Carnivore Challenge with you.

    Second, I miss your fluff and general hard-headedness over at BRS. Did you catch that our home had to get a new address... bunch of crap if you ask me. We've got a dirty definite article now... At least we know there are no other barefoot runners out there...


    Gracia y paz,


  4. A classic website trick. Once you are established it is important that you change
    your web address and lose all your google search traffic. Good move BRS ;)

    I'm over there sometimes, but it's hard to be on the forums when you have to produce awesome content 2-3 times a week. I do miss the banter though.

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